Remember Jeff Foxworthy and his jokes that start with “You might be a redneck if….”? Well I have a new one. “You might have the metabolism of a dead, decomposing slug if……”
- Eating potatoes in any form (even roasted and not fried or slathered in butter) makes you magically gain five pounds.
- Even thinking about eating a potato makes your waistline expand, just in principle.
- One week of indiscriminate and ill-advised potato eating can undo half of the miserly weight loss garnered during nine weeks of deprivation and exercise.
- The above phrases apply to all forms of non-sprouted wheat breads as well…….
- Daily exercise as recommended by your ever so smug doctor, does not, in fact, cause you to lose weight.
- Daily exercise makes you feel better about everything but your weight.
- Eating less than 1200 calories a day does not result in weight loss.
- Conversely, eating 1200 calories a day or more, also, sadly enough, does not result in weight loss.
- Avoiding sugar like it is a flesh easting disease does not result in weight loss.
- Cutting out red meat does not result in weight loss, but instead makes one into a cranky, whiny troll who still can’t lose weight.
Yes, dear friends, I fell off the diet wagon and I fell off hard! Although I got out and walked every day (except for the day we were under a tornado warning – I felt it was a wise decision), I did partake of some particularly delicious homemade treats. Michelle’s wonderful pasta salad and macaroni salad. Yikes! Carbs! Laura’s beloved Morning Glory muffins. Gasp! More carbs! Wendy’s yummy roasted potatoes paired with Jim’s exquisitely cooked steak. And yes, an Olive Burger, with French fries. And we won’t even speak of the breakfast potatoes that I indulged in a couple of days in a row. Carbs and more carbs! I succumbed to the dreaded plague of vacation eating and I have paid the price. I gained a whopping five pounds during my glorious, nine day extravaganza of not logging every calorie I ate.
Since returning home, I have managed to lose three of those nasty five pounds by totally cutting out my beloved carbs and continuing my daily exercise ritual of either walking or pounding away on the elliptical trainer while watching reruns of Grey's Anatomy (don't judge!). . But like an addict, I know that I will be sorely tempted again when I arrive in Missouri, land of the best barbeque on earth. However, I can eat barbeque without too many carbs, except of course, the beans that are mandatory with any barbeque. Although the steak fries at Gates may be more temptation can I can handle without an intervention.
